


hey boy, where did you go?

by gee (falloutblink182)



Series: ineffable oneshots [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: :), Genderfluid Character, Lesbians, POV Outsider, all they do is look fondly at one another, and thats valid, author is non-binary, because i am a lesbian, crowley and azi arent lesbians in this BUT LESBIANS ARE THERE, crowley said fuck gender, local lesbian waitress freaks out bc she thinks the gay old man is cheating on his boyf, our boys dont rly say much in this, overuse of commas and italics, please read this i read all the pages on the ritzs website to make sure this is accurate hsksksj, so its allowed, theres a non-offensive lesbian joke in this, this is too many tags sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-27 02:59:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19781857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutblink182/pseuds/gee
Summary: based on a tumblr post by user king-of-sass that said something along the lines of aziraphale and genderfluid!crowley dining at the ritz, and their waiter thinks aziraphale is cheating on crowley with this other woman.title from good old fashioned lover boy, because it fits and im cheesy.





	hey boy, where did you go?

**Author's Note:**

> Footnotes are at the end, lovely people! Along with links to some of the clothes Crowley wears in this fic.

Emma Haynes thought that as jobs go, waitressing at The Ritz was pretty neat. It was better than her short stint as a server at McDonalds, anyhow, and the pay was much better – she had actually been able to take her girlfriend, Lottie, on a _real_ date, with wine and fancy flowers and everything, as opposed to traipsing around Ikea and making out between the _lidhults_ [1] and the _lillåsens_ [2] like they did for their three month anniversary of moving in together [3] _._ Admittedly, the customers were people who had a lot (a _lot)_ of money, so they did have the propensity to be, at times, snobbish, but generally they were easy enough to handle. What’s more is that meals were provided for free to the staff, meaning Emma didn’t have to shell out £8 for a coffee at the Starbucks across the road or wander down to Pret a Manger to buy an overpriced sandwich on her lunch breaks – instead she got an overpriced meal for _free._

She had been working at The Ritz for almost two years, and so had been able to familiarise herself with the few regulars that came in to dine. There were the Josephs – a stern looking elderly couple who came in every Wednesday for Afternoon Tea. There was Mrs Shepherd – a glamorous woman who used to look miserable as she would dine at the restaurant occasionally with her husband, but since his passing would come in at least once a week to indulge in expensive wines whilst wearing fur coats and diamonds and sultry smiles.

Then there was The Gentlemen.

The Gentlemen were two gentlemen [4] who seemed to have no pattern to their visits, but always seemed to be served by Emma. Emma had no qualms with this – she thought they were rather lovely and they always left a hefty tip, which was nice. She also thought they were gay, which she liked because she always liked seeing older gay couples exist in the world.

Not that they were particularly old, she thought. They were younger than a large portion of the usual customers she served. They were just older than _her._ [5]

At first, she thought they made a rather unusual couple. They seemed to be opposites in every way, aesthetically speaking. The gentleman who always ordered dessert looked like a Hogwarts teacher or something – he reminded Emma, somewhat, of Professor Slughorn, but kinder. Softer. He wore muted pastel clothing and spoke like the Queen, and called her _dear girl_ which would’ve irritated her Emma if he wasn’t so sincere about it. The other gentleman, however, was tall and made of sharp angles, the antithesis to the other man’s natural roundness. This other gentleman had a shock of bright red hair, and always, _always,_ wore entirely black outfits.

And he always wore sunglasses.

Emma assumed he was blind, and that was why he wore them indoors. Then she thought that maybe that was offensive to assume. Or was it more offensive to _not_ assume? But then she watched him navigate the tables and chairs with such grace and ease that she thought that he couldn’t possibly be blind – he must’ve been able to see where he was going to in order to dodge that woman pushing out her chair…. Or was _that_ offensive, to assume that blind people couldn’t walk through restaurants without walking in to anything? She had watched Daredevil after all; she should know exactly what blind people are capable of.

Emma, at times, is prone to over-thinking.

Then, one day, she complimented his tattoo, and he said “Thanks, I like your new hair”, and she ran her hand over the newly shaved sides and grinned, happy with the compliment and the knowledge that he clearly wasn’t blind.

He was just _cool._

Emma called them The Gentlemen in her head, because although she had served them often enough, she had never quite been able to get their names. All she had to go on was that the tall goth one liked to call the pastel guy _angel,_ and the pastel guy liked to call the tall goth _dear boy, my dear,_ or _dear heart._ She thought, at first, they were an odd couple, entertaining the thought that maybe it was some sort of sugar daddy type relationship, but when they called one another _angel_ or _my dear_ their voices were positively brimming with endearment and fondness. It was completely and utterly obvious that these men were entirely besotted with one another.

Their love was the kind of love she hoped she and Lottie would share when they were older. The type of love that has been present for so long between two people that it becomes as natural as blinking, as breathing, as a heart beating [6].

Which was why Emma was shocked when the pastel guy came to dine with a woman.

Never, in the countless times Emma had served The Gentlemen, had either of them ever come in with somebody else. Until now.

For all her overthinking, Emma was capable of being quite logical when she needed to be. She didn’t jump to conclusions straight away – perhaps this woman was just a friend? After all, Emma was certain (as much as she didn’t like to base her opinions off of stereotypes) that the pastel gentleman was as gay as the fourth of July. So, she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt as she went to get their chosen wine.

The woman in question – Emma couldn’t decide whether she wanted to be her or date her [7]. Her hair was red and shiny, flowing down just past her shoulders and framing her face in a spectacular way. She wore a sleek black suit jacket and trousers, her black shirt underneath unbuttoned just enough for Emma’s face to flush when she thought of it. Her ridiculously long legs were crossed under the table, but when she strode in Emma saw that she was wearing shiny black heels that made her tower over the pastel guy. Emma is fairly certain that she saw a flash of red on the soles as the woman strode across the restaurant with the confidence of one who knows they’re hot shit.

Christ.

The weird thing is, this woman is wearing sunglasses indoors too. Not the big, round, steampunk-y things that the tall goth always wears, but a more delicate pair of shades that make her look mysterious and _hot._ If pastel guy _is_ cheating on the tall goth, Emma thinks sourly, then he clearly has a _very specific type._

Right now, the woman is clinking her long, sharp nails (painted red) against her wine glass (full of red wine), before bringing the glass to her (red) lips. She has a very strong aesthetic that she is clearly committed to, which Emma appreciates and admires.

She would appreciate and admire it a lot more, however, if the pastel guy wasn’t placing his hand over hers in the same way he places his hand over the tall goth’s. Emma feels a pang in her chest. She doesn’t know why, exactly, she’s latched on so strongly to the relationship between two men of whom she doesn’t even know the names of, but now this development has made her quite upset. She isn’t angry at the woman, not at all. She hopes that the two men have simply broken up, because the thought of that kind, peculiar gentleman who calls her _dear girl_ cheating on his wonderfully edgy yet pleasant partner is almost too painful to think about.

That must be it, Emma thinks. They must have broken up. They must have, because there’s no way pastel guy would cheat on tall goth.

But then the next week, the tall goth has returned, and nothing between he and the pastel guy seems to have changed – that is to say, they still act as though they’re incredibly in love, and Emma’s heart hurts. Should she say something? Morally, she feels like it’s her duty, but financially, she can’t afford to lose this job.

She _really_ doesn’t want to have to go back to McDonalds. The thought makes her shudder slightly.

No. It’s not her business, anyway. So, she’ll keep her mouth shut for now, and be content with being _slightly_ colder than she would be otherwise when talking to the pastel guy.

And it’s fine.

But then – but _then,_ two weeks later, the pastel guy comes in with the woman again, the tall goth nowhere to be seen. The woman looks fantastic, of course – her hair is shorter now, cut to just above her shoulders and straight instead of wavy, and the dress she wears (black, of course), clings to her body in all the right ways to show off her graceful limbs. Her heels today have a red and black snakeskin pattern, and Emma once more catches the flash of red on the soles. 

_Those shoes_ , she thinks, _probably cost more than my car._

And Emma wants to hate her on principle, really, but she _can’t_ , because as this woman saunters past she must catch Emma (amongst half of the diners) gawking because she grins in her direction, and Emma gets the feeling that if it wasn’t for the sunglasses planted on the woman’s face then a wink would’ve been thrown in her direction. And Emma has always had a _thing_ for redheads [8], so she can’t hate the woman, so she endeavours to hate the pastel dude, but she finds she can’t bring it in herself to really do that either. Every time she speaks to him, he is so unendingly kind and sincere, and he really does tip incredibly well.

Henceforth she goes on without hating anybody, except maybe Lottie’s parents and a certain president from across the pond.

For several weeks it goes on like this: usually, the pastel gent will dine with the poor goth dude, but occasionally the goth dude will be replaced by the stunning redheaded woman. And this troubles Emma, for although she doesn’t like to get involved in other people’s business, she is nevertheless very empathetic and has had her own heart broken by unfaithful lovers in the past. She doesn’t wish to see somebody else go through that hurt.

Like all good stories, ours is resolved thanks to a hairstyle [9]. The pastel gentleman holds open the door and in waltzes the woman, wearing thigh high black suede boots, and a slouchy Moschino sweater dress which Emma isn’t certain is part of The Ritz’s dress code, and her hair is tied into two artfully messy French braids. She is at he most casual Emma has ever seen her, and still (Emma thinks, slightly bitterly) looks a million times better than most women do at their most formal.

When she goes over to take their order, she freezes. How she never noticed it before astounds her, but it must be because this is the first time Emma has ever seen the woman with her hair tied away from her face. Everything fits into place in Emma’s mind suddenly, because there, between a few delicate wisps of red hair that have escaped from the confines of the braids, is a tiny snake tattoo.

The exact same snake tattoo that the tall goth has.

She must make some sort of sound of realisation, or epiphany, because both the pastel gentleman and the incredibly attractive lady turn their eyes away from their menus to look at her in confusion.

“Are you alright, my dear? You look rather shocked.” The pastel gentleman says, and the attractive woman/tall goth nods in agreement. Emma shakes her head and puts a smile on her face.

“I’m fine,” she says, “I’m absolutely fantastic! Honestly! Now, would you like to hear today’s specials?” [10]

**Author's Note:**

> [1] A three-seat sofa bed.
> 
> [2] A desk.
> 
> [3] The three-month anniversary of them moving in together was, as it happens, the four-and-a-half-month anniversary of their first date. For a lesbian relationship, this is considered to be “taking it slow”.
> 
> [4] Obviously. 
> 
> [5] She was correct – they were older than her. She was also wrong – they weren’t younger than any of her customers. In fact, they were the oldest people she had ever met.
> 
> [6] Three things that the gentlemen didn’t actually have to do, but did so anyway. 
> 
> [7] Don’t fret, readers – Lottie wouldn’t be jealous. Lottie would understand.
> 
> [8] Lottie had bright red hair that reached all the way to her bum that she was incredibly proud of, and a billion freckles to go with it – Lottie wasn’t very keen on her freckles until Emma had made it her life mission to kiss every single one.
> 
> [9] In this case, “all good stories” means, exclusively, the movie Legally Blonde. 
> 
> [10] Later, Emma would wonder where the tall goth got their amazingly realistic wigs from. She wouldn’t wonder for long, however, because Lottie had soon distracted her with a suggestion to ‘Netflix and Chill’, which involved very little Netflix indeed. 
> 
> Crowley's Snakeskin Louboutins: http://eu.christianlouboutin.com/uk_en/shop/women/pigalle-follies-100-536507.html  
> Crowley's Moschino dress: https://www.moschino.com/gb_en/moschino/women/clothing/dresses/moschino-couture-wool-dress-38245.html  
> Crowley's black Louboutins: http://eu.christianlouboutin.com/uk_en/shop/women/so-kate-patent.html  
> The Lidhult: https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/lidhult-3-seat-sofa-bed-with-chaise-longue-lejde-grey-black-s89266096/  
> The Lillasen: https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/lillasen-desk-bamboo-90278277/


End file.
